okay gang: I've never done this before, but I know that the written thought can be very healing. I am so frustrated. Frustrated with work, kids, spouse, doctors, treatments, lack of healing and constant pain. I was so excited after my last visit to the hospital. I actually had days with NO pain. I felt young. I felt healthy, and for those that have a chronic illness, you know what I mean when I say "healthy". It was incredible. Now I'm back to hurting. It effects my home life, my job, my hobbies. I'm just tired of trying. I pray. Do I keep going? Do I file for Disability? What???? How do I explain to family, friends, co-workers-MY BOSS?! Work doesn't want me to hurt, yet they need an employee that can do all aspects of the job, and that's not me right now. I feel guilty. Guilty that I am not everything I need to be to my family and my job. It's so hard.
Doctors don't seem to listen. I get a pat on the head and sent on my way labeled as a complainer. What complaining? I hurt! I want to feel better. I've been to Physical Therapy, taken pills, been to out patient surgery. I want to trust God. I really do. I just don't feel I have the time to wait and listen for guidance and advice from Him. My human companions here want me to decide now. People will ask after my health. Do they really want to hear? Are they being polite? What do they hear when I tell them what is going on and how I'm doing? Is it the words I've spoken? or a "Charlie Brown teacher"- Blah, blah, blah. I don't know. I'm not one to burden and when I do need to speak up and ask for help or tell others that something they want me to do is not physically possible-I get the Huh??? what????
My kids try to understand, and I guess they understand about as well as I did with my mom being sick. It is-and I must. Mom's sick and I have to accept it but I don't like it. Bill just want's to ignore it. He'll ask if I'm okay...only because he wants my to be "fine and healthy" with no problems so I can "be the wife he expects me to be". You can read into that statement what ever you want. I watched my dad love and care for my mom for the 5 years I was still home. I guess dad is "one of a kind". Bill is going through yet another melt down, telling me he is going to something drastic if things don't improve. Money is tight, and I'm not healthy. His world is just terrible right now. Poor thing. And yes, I'm bitter. I do it. I live it. I keep going. I don't need to constantly worry about his mental health. I've asked him to talk to someone.....not possible. He's very against medical help of any kind.
Work just tries to be patient. Yet they can't be for long. Jobs need to have employees that can do the work of 2-3 people right now because of the economy. I sometimes can not do the work of one.
Pray. I need guidance. I'm not asking for advice. I need to vent. I need to know my words will not be used against me. I - well, I just want to say what I need to say and be done with it.
Patty
